


==> Be the annoying coworker.

by deadcellredux



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human/Troll Society, Alternate Universe - No Sburb/Sgrub Sessions, Awful Romcom, Awkward Flirting, F/M, Humor, Interspecies Awkwardness, Masturbation, Mostly Pesterlogs, Naughty File Sharing, Online Friendship, Psionic kink, Quadrant Confusion, Secret Identity Fail, Underage Drinking, Xeno
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-23
Updated: 2014-04-23
Packaged: 2018-01-20 07:29:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,074
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1501904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deadcellredux/pseuds/deadcellredux
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>TG: yo this new guy at work is hardcore annoyin</i>
  <br/>
  <i>TA: ii feel you. iim traiiniing a total moron.</i>
</p><p>In which Sollux and Roxy fail to recognize the glaringly obvious.</p>
            </blockquote>





	==> Be the annoying coworker.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Makocchi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Makocchi/gifts).



> In this AU, Sburb is just a regular MMORPG with no effect on the real world.
> 
> Also, the server name Sollux chooses in the opening section of the fic is a reference to the movie _The Wicker Man_ and [this meme](http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/not-the-bees).
> 
> Oh dear... I hope you like this! o__o;;;;

SBURB is loading. . . 

twinArmageddons has started new server Land of NOT THE BEE2 and ...NOT THE BEE2!

twinArmageddons has added tipsyGnostalgic to Land of NOT THE BEE2 and ...NOT THE BEE2!

TG: yoooooooooooooooooo  
TG: sweet name lol  
TA: thank2.

twinArmageddons has added carcinoGeneticist to Land of NOT THE BEE2 and ...NOT THE BEE2!

twinArmageddons has added gutsyGumshoe to Land of NOT THE BEE2 and ...NOT THE BEE2!

TG: janeeyyy  
CG: CAN WE HAVE A SERVER NAME WITH DIGNITY FOR ONCE? THIS IS EXACTLY WHY NO ONE EVER JOINS US.  


gutsyGumshoe is idle

TA: kk iit 2eem2 you have a problem wiith my choiice of 2erver name.  
CG: YES. YES I DO.  
TG: oh man karkat u got a prob with errrthng  
TG: *errthinj  
TG: *u kno lol  
CG: OH, LOVELY. AN INTOXICATED CO-CAPTAIN. WHAT A SURPRISE! I WONDER WHAT SHITWINDED JOURNEY SHE’LL LEAD US ON TONIGHT. I CERTAINLY DO HOPE IT’S JUST AS FUCKING ENJOYABLE AS OUR UNNECESSARY DETOUR INTO PROCURING GLITTERY PANTS FOR HER SHITTY MARY-SUE AVATAR LAST NIGHT.  
TG: hey those pantz were limited edition u hear  
TG: that was sum nice shit  
TG: look at my sexy avatar wearin em  
TG: look how they cradle TEH DONK  
TG: *THE  
TG: that sure is a fine pixellated ass if i ever did see one  
TA: okay.  
TA: let2 fiigure out our game plan for thii2 2e22iion.  
CG: AH. THE FIRST GOOD IDEA OF THE EVENING. LET’S.  
TA: 2hiit iis the 2server name really that awful.  
TA: ii thought iit was funny but now ii am haviing 2econd thought2 ii’m que2stiioniing my 2en2e of humor.  
TA: fuck 2hould ii ju2t delete iit guy2 why am ii 2o 2tuipiid kk ii2 riight nobody iis gonna joiin us.  
TG: yo you need 2 chillax   
TG: u like that 2 i put there  
TG: we gotta stick 2gether cuz we dont have janey rn  
TA: wow thii2 ii2 an epiic faiil.  
TG: i thikn the name  
TG: is fine  
TG: like more than fine  
TG: relax  
TG: we r gonna go out there and pulverize this quest like a sad walnut between the thighs of chyna  
CG: THAT’S DISGUSTING.  
TA: no 2eriiously tho ii need two know iif you guy2 have a problem wiith the 2erver name.  
TG: sigh  
CG: OH MY GOD JUST GET THE FUCK OVER IT. IT’S FINE, LET’S PLAY, YOU’RE WASTING MY TIME.  
TA: oh 2uddenly thiis 2hiit2taiin has valuable tiime.  
TA: a2 iif he2 not ju2t 2ome lo2ser iin hi2 lu2u2 ba2ement driinkiing mountaiin dew and lackiing any 2emblance of a 2ociial liife ever.  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH MOUNTAIN DEW? I FIND IT TO BE A FINE BEVERAGE OF RATHER ADMIRABLE QUALITY. THE CAFFEINE CONTENT IS IDEAL FOR A SOFT DRINK OF ITS NATURE.   
TG: omfg guys like can u stop arguin bout soda  
TG: and let’s play maybe

twinArmageddons punted carcinoGeneticist from server Land of NOT THE BEE2 and ...NOT THE BEE2!

TG: well ok that’s one way to do it  
TA: okay, tiime two focu2, everyone.

gutsyGumshoe is no longer idle

GG: Sorry about that. I’ve a cake in the oven, and I seemed to have realized a tad late in the game that it’s getting rather crisp. :P

twinArmageddons has sent a private message to tipsyGnostalgic

TA: ok iit2 tiime two 2pearhead thii2 miissiion.  
TA: becau2e thii2 ii2 a dii2a2ter twonight 2o far and our team i2 full of reject2.  
TA: no offen2e two your friiend gg but all offen2e to kk, iim not 2orry.  
TA: well iim a liittle 2orry, but whatever.  
TA: al2o are you actually drunk.  
TG: um  
TG: just like a lil  
TG: u kno how my mom leaves out the boozahol  
TG: and i kinda just find it  
TG: tricky lil treasure hunter i am  
TA: ok.  
TG: uh IS that ok  
TA: yeah hone2tly ii thiink you play better when you are under the iinfluence.  
TA: 2hiit that ii2 an awful thiing two 2say iim 2orry.  
TG: no harm no foul broski  
TG: i got the mad skillz  
TG: the leetness with my mad hax  
TG: seriously tho dont worry lets just get this show on the road  
TA: ii feel liike ii up2et you.  
TG: nope  
TA: um.  
TG: NOPE X INFINTIE  
TG: *infinity  
TG: listen u  
TA: okay, okay.  
TA: al2o are you 2ure the 2erver name iisnt dumb.  
TA: ii thought kk would liike iit becau2e it2 from a 2hiitty moviie and all and ii know how he love2 tho2e 2o.  
TA: but then ii punted hiim and now ii dont know iif he wiill forgiive me.  
TA: iim an a22hole.  
TG: um yeah  
TG: i mean yeah its not dumb  
TG: but no to bein an unforgivable buttmunch  
TG: karkat can deal u kno  
TG: but lets not b too debbie downer now  
TG: ur killin my buss  
TG: *buzz  
TG: i need that buzz  
TG: to do great things  
TG: and stuff  
TA: who ii2 debbiie.  
TG: ooohh bot  
TG: *boy  
TG: thats just a human turn of phrase hoke thing  
TG: *joke  
TA: oh okay.  
TA: ok by the way youre really 2weet you know.  
TG: pssh of course i fuckin kno  
TG: im sweet like cotton candy   
TA: eheheh.  
TG: we r the best team  
TG: like hands down  
TG: this has been established over and over again  
TG: established…….  
TG: TWOFOLD  
TG: u like that lol  
TA: yeah.  
TG: u sure  
TA: YE2.  
TG: whoa nelly  
TA: anyway.  
TA: tiime to do thii2.  
TG: roger capn  
TG: also later  
TG: u wanna chat  
TA: ye2.  
TG: ok lol  
TA: 2top wiith the loliing, youre cheapeniing iit.  
TG: sry  
TG: i just get a lil nervous  
TA: ii know.  
TA: me two.  
TG: virtual interspecies tonsil hockey showdown  
TA: what2 a ton2iil.  
TG: hahah nevermind  
TG: ok let’s take out some imps or rather you take em out  
TG: ill watch cuz yr sweet skillz turn me on whoo

twinArmageddons has closed private chat with tipsyGnostalgic

\+ + + + +

Your name is Roxy Lalonde, and your hangover is monstrous.

When your alarm wakes you for work at 7:30 am, you immediately begin to ponder your life and your choices. Why did you dump an undetermined amount of vodka into the MegaGulp of Diet Coke you picked up on your way home? Why did you choose to join Twin’s server so late at night, when you knew you’d have to be up this early for work? Why _does_ it take so long to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? So many questions. So few answers.

You stumble out of bed and into the shower. You know your mother’s already left for work, and though your current stint at Tekserve is just a temporary summer job, you still have a desire to make her proud. So you know that above all else, you need to get your ass to work. Then you need to _kick_ some ass. 

Kicking your _own_ ass might be a good idea, too.

You check your phone when you get out of the shower, after you’ve (laboriously, due to your headache) done your hair and makeup.

TA: good morniing.

You’re not entirely surprised, but still delighted, to find the message from Twin, and you proceed to text while getting dressed. 

TG: sup  
TA: not much.  
TA: ii know you 2aiid iit wa2 gonna be a tough day for you twoday.  
TA: 2o ii ju2t wanted two say good luck.  
TG: thx bb  
TG: u 2  
TG: arent u trainin or some shit  
TG: dealin with chucklefucks who dont kno how to do shit  
TA: ehehe yeah that2 kiinda every day though.  
TA: the chucklefuck2 are 2trong and ever-pre2sent liike all the 2tar2 iin the galaxy combiined iinto one biig faiil of a 2upernova.  
TA: but yeah ii ju2t got a tran2fer 2o iil probably be workiing wiith newbiie2 on thii2 code mappiing tech.  
TG: aw sweet i think we r gonna be learnin that shit soon too  
TG: today actually i think  
TG: ugh man i am so hungover  
TA: iim 2orry.  
TG: sall good  
TA: youll do fiine.  
TG: so will u! but i gotta run to the bus so  
TG: ill ttylz  
TA: ok.

\+ + + + +

By ten a.m., you’ve decided that there are very, _very_ few things you are willing to deal with today.

Sollux Captor, your newly-transferred training lead, is fucking certainly not one of them.

The four Advils you’ve popped do nothing for the headache you’ve now decided to attribute entirely to the existence of this lisping, nerdy douchebag troll kid. It’s all him, for sure. This has nothing to do with the quarter-bottle of vodka you’ll never see again, nor does it have anything to do with the fact that your brain is almost literally plugged into the fried GrubBook Air in front of you. 

“That’s _not_ how that process works,” Sollux lisps at you. You want to strangle him, becuase you know he’s rolling his eyes behind those shitty hipster shades of his. “Is your thinkpan defective? I told you two times. Don’t make me tell you two more.”

The headache is entirely him, for sure.

“Um, yeah you don’t have to tell me anything at all ever,” you say distractedly as you poke your thoughts around into the neatly organized code database scrolling across the tiny screens directly in front of your eyes. The neural receptors stuck to your temples sure do make it a hell of a lot easier to insert code directly where you want it; with this new technology, you can access the most remote and intricate of programs in whatever system you’re plugged into. It’s pretty fascinating, and you could potentially lose yourself in it, even _with_ the lingering headache hindering the clarity of your thoughts.

 _Not_ , however, with Sollux nagging at you.

“This is the worst attempt to emulate psionic power I’ve ever seen,” he sighs, and shakes his head. “Humans shouldn’t deal with this. I don’t even know why this technology is a thing right now.”

You bite your tongue so as not to respond, and focus on your work. You’ll fix this bug if it kills you. You’ve never felt so attached to a GrubBook Air in your entire life. You focus hard on manipulating codes, let your brain twist numbers and formulas, and let the pounding of your head get carried away in the rhythm of zeros and ones and endless lines of data.

You grudgingly consider his words, however. In a huge city like New York, human and troll culture had experienced much more of a meld than most other places across the USA. Your two species had been living together on Earth for as long as you could remember, but psionic power was the Newest Next Big Thing in terms of shared technology. You knew that several other shops across the city had begun to beta the neurotransmitter-connected technologies-- developed by actual psionics like Sollux-- and considering how interesting it all was, you almost kind of wished that this (unfortunately gifted) asshole wasn’t the one training you on it.

If you could even call it training.

You fix the bug, and Sollux barely offers more than a dismissive nod as you tear off the headpiece and storm away. Sure, it took you several false starts and tangled bits of codes to get it right, but all was corrected in the end, and you figure that this was a pretty damn successful first attempt considering you’re hungover as shit and Mr. CRAPtor here is the ultimate douchelord of the universe.

You slam the door to the restroom shut behind you, and then type out a text to Jane.

Angrily.

TG: like who the fuck even is this guy i dont even  
TG: fuckin asshole with a stick up his ass  
TG: tryna tell me i dont kno my shit  
TG: like bitch plz im onea the best techs up in this place dont even  
TG: before the day is done u gonna bow to ro-lal  
TG: JANEY WHAR R U I NEED U  
GG: I’m here!  
GG: I was just letting you speak. It seemed as if you needed to get out a bit of aggression.  
TG: ya damn rite  
GG: Tekserve seems to be stressing the heavens out of you more often than not lately! Are you sure you don’t want to work here with me? I could give you quite the sparkling referral. You’d be guaranteed a position, I think.  
TG: aw janey u r the sweetest butt  
TG: *but  
TG: ok u got a sweet butt too but like  
TG: i dunno if a bakery is the right place for me  
TG: you know i like my codez and shit  
TG: plus im not about to be one-upped by some dude  
TG: plus i dunno if i could wake up at 5 am every day just to sift flour or w/e  
GG: Understood. Just trying to help, you know!  
TG: ya i kno  
TG: ur the best but i gotta run  
GG: How are you texting me, anyway? I thought your job had a strict no-cell phones policy.  
TG: um yeah it does  
TG: im sittin on the toilet lol  
TG: hidin that shit  
TG: IN THE SHITTER  
GG: Well. Okay then.  
TG: aw come on that shoulda gotten a lol

TA: hey tiip2y.  
TA: how2 iit goiing.  
TG: AWWWFULLLLLL  
TA: oh?  
TG: yo this new guy at work is hardcore annoyin  
TA: ii feel you. iim traiiniing a total moron.  
TG: oh yeah?  
TA: hell2 yeah.  
TG: man i hate this dude rn  
TG: hes so full of himself  
TA: yeah thii2 human is makiing me hella fru2trated.  
TG: oh man a human  
TG: well  
TG: this guys a troll  
TG: no hard feelin between us I HOPES lulz  
TA: of cour2e not.  
TA: how about we ju2t get through the day and we talk onliine later.  
TG: hell yeah we r gonna have a rantfest  
TA: for 2ure.  
TG: hugz  
TA: hug2. 

TG: ok but THE KICKER  
TG: r u ready 4 THE FICKER  
TG: *kicker  
GG: Yes, I suppose I am.  
TG: hes hot  
TG: like  
TG: “oh no hes hot”  
TG: has never been truer  
GG: Do tell.  
TG: well hes a troll  
TG: hes like hella nerdy and has a lisp  
TG: and like cute little fangs and double horns  
TG: theyre all smooth and pointy and shit i just wanna touch em  
TG: even though hes a fuckin shithead  
TG: its just awful of me rite  
TG: like he was makin me so mad but also kinda HOT N BOTHERED ya dig  
GG: You’re insufferable! I just hope you’re thinking straight right now. The guy seems to be annoying you quite a bit; I wouldn’t go throwing yourself at him all willy-nilly!  
GG: I mean, if that’s what you were looking to do. With the flirting.  
GG: Plus, you should really check yourself on whether or not the attraction is a problematic fetishization.  
GG: You don’t want to sound like Jake when he gets on about blue alien females.  
TG: oh no plz dont compare me to that assmunch  
TG: well u know i say assmunch in the most loving of ways all things considered with what happened with dirk  
TG: but whatever please ive had enough lessons from karkats cousin or whatever  
TG: u kno kankri  
TG: I am leavin my problematic thoughts out of this  
TG: im not fetishiznit  
TG: *fetishizin  
TG: i just <3 nerds  
TG: dont matter the species  
TG: plus theres somethin about him i just cant put mah fingerz on but its drawin me to him  
TG: like i already know him or somethin which is unfortch b/c he's a shitlord rn  
TG: anyway my ass is startin to fall asleep from sittin on the porcelin throne too long so i gotta split  
TG: *porcelain  
GG: Thank you for sharing that piece of information.  
TG: np bb

You compose yourself and head back out to the main floor, and Sollux surreptitiously slips his own phone back into the pocket of his jeans as you approach.

“Ready to continue?” he asks. 

“Whatever,” you sigh, and slip the headset back on.

\+ + + + +

TG: fuck this dayyyyy  
TA: it2 over tho.  
TA: happy dance tiime.  
TG: fuck yeah we gonna dance  
TG: like its 1999  
TG: or however that goes  
TA: yeah iit2 2022 but ok.  
TA: ii liike thiis year becau2e there are a lot of two2. :)  
TG: I BER U DO  
TG: BET  
TG: god that was soc ute ughgfda i like it when you smeiley  
TG: shit that sentence is a wreck  
TA: eheheh iit2 ok.  
TG: ok  
TA: how wa2 your day  
TG: it was awful  
TG: this douchebag was a royal fuck about psionic shit  
TG: no offense i know u have those powers  
TG: but like if its gonna go mainstream what can u do  
TG: i mean please tell me if theres something i should kno bcuz i don’t want to be offensive or like culturally fucked up or whatever  
TA: iim not worriied.  
TA: the thiing ii2 that, iin our 2o2ciiety, before we came two earth, beiing a p2iioniic wa2 a really 2cary thiing.  
TA: 2o 2cary iin fact that ii dont really want two talk about iit.   
TA: but that2 all you really have two under2tand.  
TA: thii2 2ort of technology beiing u2ed for human purpo2e2 ii2 kiinda liike… well you dont have two feel the fear we felt.  
TA: and a lot of human2 miight take iit for granted.  
TG: that is fuckin legit  
TG: im really sorry  
TA: no dont apologiize.  
TG: but that sounds awful tho  
TG: sorry im like drink and emotional  
TG: *drunk  
TG: fuck my typos are so predictable huh  
TA: you 2eem two make them when you are nervou2.  
TG: eh not always  
TG: sometimes im just dronnkkkk  
TG: aint gonna correct that one that one was on purpose  
TA: yeah ii gathered that.  
TG: anyway yeah so my shop got that psionic shit today  
TG: and i did really well at it kinda  
TG: but the dude trainin me was such a dick  
TA: yeah ii had two traiin thii2 human giirl twoday  
TA: and iit ju2t took her 2o long two get iit and you know ii have liike no patiience.  
TG: lol yeah  
TA: so ii dunno ii thiink ii was kiind of a jerk two her but at the 2ame tiime iit2 liike whatever.  
TG: yeaaaah  
TG: well  
TG: whatever enough about work  
TG: um  
TG: so like   
TG: those pictures you were gonna send me  
TA: eheheh  
TA: 2omeone ii2 feeliin frii2ky.  
TA: ii2 that the riight human word?  
TA: frii2ky?  
TG: lol i think its funny how u been here a while and still dont get our words  
TA: you dont get our2 eiither.  
TG: true  
TG: well  
TG: um if it helps i got the pic i was gonna send u  
TA: oh?  
TA: ii wiill def 2end you mine no matter what.  
TA: ii dont want two make you uncomfortable. iif you dont want two 2end me your2 you dont have two but ii will 2end you mine.

tipsyGnostalgic sent file MYJUGSLOL.JPG

TA: oh.  
TA: are tho2e liike.  
TA: your human che2tnub2?  
TA: your rumble2phere2?  
TA: ii liike how 2oft your belly look2.  
TA: 2orry  
TG: r u DISTACTED lol  
TA: maybe a liitlle biit.  
TG: yeah um so like those r mah boobs  
TG: sorry my face isnt in it but im a bit paranoid about that still ya know  
TA: yeah ii under2tand.  
TA: ii can 2send you miine iif you 2tiil want.  
TG: um sure  
TA: okay.

twinArmageddons sent file “bulge.jpg”

TG: holy shit  
TG: like  
TG: you have two of them  
TA: yeah.  
TG: i just  
TG: i cant  
TG: ive lost the ability to can  
TA: ???  
TG: no thats good  
TG: like  
TG: holy shit  
TG: i am just  
TG: really turned on oh fuck skjhfkjdhgjkfshd sorry  
TA: iit2 ok.  
TA: ii am two.  
TG: fuck um  
TG: like you said you had psionic powers right  
TG: like u one of those trolls with the powers  
TA: yeah.  
TG: so like potentially you could like use those powers to like hold me up a wall or something while you like uh used those uh bulges on me  
TG: like you know put them in me  
TG: sex style  
TG: HUMAN SEX STYLE  
TA: um iit2 cool troll 2ex work2 that way two actually.  
TA: except like you could put your2 iin me two.  
TA: iif you had one  
TA: but ii thiink human2 only have one or nothiing.  
TG: yeah i mean  
TG: i could fuck you with a silicone one  
TA: whoa  
TG: baddragon.com check it lolololololooo  
TA: um you could fuck me however wiith whatever.  
TA: iif iit wa2 you iit wouldnt matter.  
TG: ohhhh boy  
TG: shit i am  
TG: gettin a bit wet here  
TA: that2 hot.  
TA: tell me more.  
TA: ii mean iif that2 ok, oh 2hiit iif iit2 not okay plea2e dont, god ii am an a22hole.  
TG: uh no its cool  
TG: uh fuck why dont you send me a picture of your face  
TA: weve only been talkiing for liike a month, iim 2tiil cautiiou2.  
TG: ok understood.  
TA: maybe 2oon though.  
TG: yeah uh  
TG: I should go to sleep  
TA: ok  
TA: talk two you twomorrow?  
TG: of course  
TA: goodniight.  
TG: bye!

You don’t go to bed immediately. Right now, that’s impossible. 

You can’t stop thinking about him; now that you’ve seen his… troll genitals (which are kinda hot, ngl), and know for a fact that he’s got psionic powers, you can't help but start to fantasize about all sorts of awful things: being pushed down, tossed around, held in place…

...oh dear.

Before you know it, you’ve begun to touch yourself, fingers slipping into your panties trail your slick up over your clit and rub, hard, panting as you think about _pointy fangs and double horns and messy shaggy hair and shit you are picturing_ Sollux _oh_ no _fuck fuck fuck you are picturing Sollux yelling at you for getting shit wrong and maybe... holding you down with psionic power while he smacks you around a little bit for being disobedient? oh shit and those fangs as he smiles and oh my fucking oh god oh_

You come hard.

You’re tired enough to pass out without thinking about it too hard, so you do, and you don’t. 

Thank goodness.

\+ + + + +

  
Since your masturbatory foible (as Jane so eloquently called it), you’ve tried to not think about Sollux. He’s _there_ , of course; being a shithead, insulting you at work despite the fact that you’re _improving_ , and you try your best to be a good person and keep Twin’s words about psionics to heart.

It’s hard, though. It’s _really_ hard, and nobody understands.

It’s almost as if Sollux is taunting you on purpose; it’s like he’s goading you to get a rise out of you, maybe even to challenge you. Your style, however, is to keep on keepin’ on, and keep on you do, decidedly the opposite of shy when it comes to boasting about your high commission earnings and your nearly-flawless track record when it comes to fixing what seem to be near-impossible-to-fix bugs and viruses. The psionic headsets make it easier, of course, and Sollux seems at turns impressed and awed-- yet then angry and goading-- toward the deftness with which you manipulate the software. It’s almost as if he has some weird sort of split personality thing. 

Sometimes, he even apologizes out of nowhere, and that’s a little weird.

Mostly, though, he’s a snarky asshole.

He’s also still hot. Like, really hot. 

TG: u ever see someone so attractive yet so annoyin u just wanna blow chunx  
GG: Er.  
TG: i cant believe we are stuck doin inventory together  
TG: like wat r the odds  
TG: one BILLION to NEGATIVE ZERO  
GG: :\  
GG: Well, at least he’s easy on the eyes?  
GG: Maybe you’ll have a chance to talk, and get to know each other better. Settle your differences (and I don’t mean with fisticuffs!) :P  
TG: SIGH  
TG: hold on twins messagin me

TA: 2up.  
TG: yo homeskillet  
TA: you workiing the late shiift riight.  
TG: ya  
TA: me two.  
TA: it2 ju2t me and that giirl.  
TG: wut  
TG: thats kinda hilar its just me and the douchebag tonite  
TG: lol i love how we have these nameless buffoonz we bitch about to one another  
TA: ii thought he wa2 le22 2hiitty lately.  
TG: well ya kno its on and off  
TG: like he gets these moods  
TA: well from what you tell me iit almo2t 2eem2 liike he ii2 iintere2ted iin a kii2me2ii22iitude wiith you.  
TG: yah i kno u talked about that b4  
TG: maybe if he was a lil more slick ya kno  
TA: yeah he 2ound2 a liittle clule22.  
TA: then agaiin ii probably wouldnt do much better iin hii2 2iituatiion.  
TG: naw dont compare yrself to this chump  
TG: youre like a cassanova in comparison

As you walk by the open door of the break room, you hear Sollux snickering at something from inside.

TG: def so because this dude is like laughin to himself all crazy rn

You pause in your tracks when you hear the distinct _ding_ of a Pesterchum message being delivered.

TG: um also he left his phone volume on mad loud  
TG: hes chattin with someone  
TA: um.  
TA: that girl ii2 ju2t kiinda creepiily 2tandiing out2iide the door two the break room.  
TA: and.  
TA: 2he al2o ha2 her phone volume up.  
TG: thats cuz i just turned it up

Suddenly, you feel kind of sick.

You lean over, slowly, to look in through the break room door, phone in hand. As you peer around the doorframe, you catch sight of Sollux, who is _also_ in the process of leaning over in his seat to peer around the doorframe, mouth agape, before seeming to go about two shades paler than his normal tone of gray as he freezes, and, fuck dammit, you can practically _feel_ the anxiety emanating from him.

He doesn’t look at you, though-- after several motionless seconds, you watch as he types something into his phone.

TA: ARE YOU FUCKIING KIIDDIING ME.  
TG: nope  
TA: ii ju2t want two jump off a cliiff riight now.  
TA: iim goiing two go diispo2e of my2elf iin the hud2on riiver.  
TG: nah don’t do that  
TA: thii2 ii2 mortiifyiing.  
TG: why  
TG: i think its a p. hilar and ironic twist AMIRITE  
TA: no.  
TG: its like i got str8-up memed on except the meme is alive or somethin  
TG: wait why r we still textin  
TG: i’m rite here yo  
TG: in the flesh  
TG: lets talk it out  
TG: lets exercise the demons like theyre trainin 4 a marathong or somethin

“How is this even _possible_ , he says, finally, throwing a hand up. “How did we not know. How. What kind of morons are we. Like. How did we not even tell one another our names--” 

“We were too busy exchanging pics of tits and tentacles I guess.”

“Fuck my life,” Sollux moans, and slumps forward, placing his glasses on the table so that he can mash his face into his hands.

TG: UM  
TG: SO LIKE TWIN IS SOLLUX ILL EXPLAIN LATER  
TG: WTF  
GG: Wait, what?  
TG: DIG MY GRAVE  
TG: GET IT REDY  
TG: RADY  
TG: SLKJFKLDSFKGKLJ

“I suppose it’s pretty funny,” Sollux says, so suddenly that you jump. He leans back in his chair and looks up to face you, finally.

You decide to be brave and take a seat next to him. He tenses as you walk up and pull out the chair, but seems to relax as you sit and turn to face him.

“Uh… yeah,” you say, and drum your fingers nervously on the tabletop.

“You’re so cool online though. Shit, I mean-- I guess you’re cool in real life too, I just had a different sort of impression-- I don’t know. Fuck. Wow I need to shut up.”

“Nah, it’s cool,” you shrug. “I mean online personas are kinda different, right? Looking back I guess you’re kinda still the same way in person, but like… you know… I guess I was getting the other side of your weird troll courtship systems.”

“It’s not weird. Your systems are weird.”

“Relationships in general are kinda nonsense. But like… okay. So like… is this a… romantic hate thing? I mean, whatever it is that the real-life side of you has for the real-life side of me.”

"Sort of. But it's more complicated than that," Sollux says, and shrugs. "I mean… this is confusing. I'm a little stumped. I mean, on the internet I like you a lot. You might even say that my interest in you leans towards flushed--"

"Is that like the sex one?" you blurt out.

"Uh. Pailing takes place in both concupiscent and calliginous quadrants, so I guess, in your weird human terms, that I'd want to do 'the sex one' either way."

The expression on your face must make it clear that you're still confused, because Sollux clarifies with what you think is an eye roll behind his shades. 

"Hey man give me a break ok. Besides, I know all about hate sex. I read fanfic."

Sollux actually laughs a little bit.

_Oh no he’s getting hotter by the second._

"I suppose internet relationships are kinda perilous, huh. Or… you know, whatever it is we were doin. Still, kinda funny though, huh? At least we didn't let it go too far. My buddy Dirk got involved with some dork through the internet and it didn't work out at all. It was like, awkward town to the max. I mean, this is hella awkward and all too, but… I think it might be salvageable."

"This is pretty fucking awkward. It's so awkward, in fact, that I'm not even sure why we’re still talking."

"Hey whoa now don't get all bitchtastical on me," you say. "I'm just trying to be nice. Besides, you're like hot and stuff, en-gee-el."

“ _En gee el_?

"Uh, you know, 'not gonna lie'… I was just spelling out the abbreviation… anyway, yeah.” You figure humor is the best way to go at this point, so you decide to go all out. “Uh, I mean, if you wanted to have some hot steamy interspecies hate sex sometime I'd probably be down. Or the romance sex. You know. Whichever."

"Um."

Okay, maybe that didn’t go over as well as you thought it would.

"I'm kidding."

"Uh…" 

"Meaning like I'm kidding kinda, because like we can't make the break room into the bone zone right now but I mean if you were interested in the future or something that'd be cool. I mean like, we could go on a date or something. I mean I’ve seen your double alien dickstravaganza, so."

“Wow.”

“Seriously though how about it. You and me. Coffee date. Like Friday or something.”

“Coffee is like, the most inferior method of caffeine delivery.”

You roll your eyes. “Okay then, what do you suggest Mr. Caffeine Master?”

“I suggest...” Sollux says, and then hesitates. Suddenly, he looks terrified.

“Yeaaaaaaah?” 

“Uh. I suggest… that maybe we kiss. Right now.”

“Oh.”

“Shit, sorry. That was rude.”

“Um, nah, not really. I mean... you can.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah.”

Adrenaline spikes through you when you realize: yes, this is about to happen.

You’re about to kiss your weird pseudo-internet-boyfriend….whatever he is. Who also happens to be your coworker who you thought you hated. Who also happens to be really hot. And kinda cool. And has two dick tentacle things. You keep going back to that one; it’s certainly a bonus.

He leans in, and for a split second you think about his teeth and wonder if he’s actually about to gnaw your lips off with those two pairs of incisors as some sort of evil troll hatesex foreplay revenge thing, but your nerves gradually begin to relax as you realize that kissing him feels remarkably similar to kissing a human, except for the fact that he’s got a forked tongue, and when you stop picturing Sollux as a nerdy-ass snake wearing bi-colored shades, it actually feels... kinda nice.

You giggle into his mouth a little bit and he pulls back.

“Okay, I get it, I suck at kissing, you don’t have to laugh at me.”

“Ohmygod shut up,” you murmur as you grab him by the hair and pull his head back in to continue. He growls a little in your throat and kisses you deeper, harder, and you are so, so, so turned on right now--

you feel a crackle of energy and something like fingers through your hair, stroking and tugging, and then something like an extra pair of arms around you, pulling you closer in some weird sort of pressure-hug thing thats outside you but also inside you and holy fuck your eyes snap open and there’s little literal sparks happening and holy shit this is ridiculously hot--

and then Sollux pulls away, and everything stops.

“Oh fuck I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m an asshole, I’m sorry,”

“Whoa dude chill it’s--“

“Fuck I didn’t even ask you if that was okay. That was awful of me. I’m like a fucking… predator in the workplace. I’m sorry.”

“Sollux,” you say, loudly, and he pauses his freakout to look at you with an expression of mixed fear and shame on his face.

“Was that like... your psionic powers and stuff?”

“Yeah, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that but I know you’ve said so many times that you thought it sounded kinda sexy so--”

“Wow shut up because that was really fucking hot like oh my god,” you breathe.

His eyes widen in surprise. “Oh?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh.”

“ _Yeah._ ”

“ _Oh._ ”

You decide to go for the gold.

“Uh, you like it when things come in twos right?”

“Yeah.”

“Kiss me again, then,” you say.

He looks surprised, then pleased.

“On the _double_ ,” you add, in your best attempt at what you think is a sexy voice.

Sollux _growls_ as he kisses you, and you find yourself pressed between his body and the wall behind you, crackles of blue and red sparks behind your eyelids as energy courses through you and something other than the two hands roaming your hips and ass tugs at your hair and pins your arms to your sides in the hottest fucking moment you have ever dreamed of experiencing in your dorky teenage life thus far.

Nothing gets inventoried that night.

When your boss is less than pleased at this fact and checks the security cameras to see exactly what you _did_ do for four hours, you and Sollux both promptly find yourselves out of a job. 

You don’t care too much though; the both of you will be starting school again in less than a month, and Tekserve wasn’t going to be for the rest of your life anyway. You’re also not _completely_ mortified; you know the hot interspecies makeouts only took up about an hour of that security tape. The rest of the time you spent talking and cuddling and watching funny videos on YouTube. You exchange actual phone numbers. You plan a date. You part with one more quite-literally-electrifying kiss, and promise to message one another, as always, once you’re home.

TA: hey roxy.  
TA: iit feel2 2o wiierd two call you by that name.  
TG: hey sollux  
TG: lol yah hella weirdsauce up in here  
TA: 2o are you okay wiith everythiing.  
TA: ii hope ii wa2nt two overbeariing or cliingy or anythiing becau2e lookiing back ii feel like maybe ii wa2.  
TG: ummm no  
TG: not at all  
TG: whatre u talkin bout  
TA: ii dont know iim beiing 2tupiid.  
TG: yah lol  
TG: um like  
TG: we are def on for friday tho rite  
TA: ye2.  
TA: iit2 not liike we have two work or anythiing.  
TA: ziing.  
TG: lolz  
TG: hell yeah  
TG: fuck THE MAN  
TA: you ready for thii2 2e22iion.  
TG: hellz YEAH  


twinArmageddons added tipsyGnostalgic to server Land of Unemployment and Makeout2.

TG: omfg rofl  
TG: more like land o oblivious dorks n lolerskate accidents  
TA: eheheh.  
TG: <3  
TA: <3

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me at [listentoyoubleed.tumblr.com](http://listentoyoubleed.tumblr.com).


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